Well, it's Valentine's Day, which means one thing: absolutely nothing. Moving on.
It's been raining for a few days, which means most of the snow has turned into Southeast Alaska's main winter export: slush. There's also a fair amount of ice.
In most places in the world, people would whine and moan and refuse to go outside until the sun comes out. Not here. While there may be a few passing groans about the knee high slush, most people just do what they always do: put on the xtra tuffs and plow right on through. Through feet of snow, forty mph winds, flooding rivers and subzero temperatures, we Alaskans are determined to do exactly what we want to do. Which is why, this Saturday, hundreds braved what the meteorologists were calling a "perfect storm" to show up at the convention center and cheer on their favorite homemade "wearable art"- all the while laughing at emcee and local personality Collette Costa's anti-republican jokes. This is our idea of a good time. That's the thing about Alaskans: we're a little odd, and we're proud of it.
Weather
39F, Overcast with light rain
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Dressing for Success...
...When success is defined as not getting frostbitten.
It's -8F outside with wind chill- for Fairbanksers, that's balmy. But down here in "Alaska's Banana Belt", people die in this sort of weather. The high school in Eagle River is in hot water right now (figuratively) because miss-dressed teenagers got frostbite after a fire alarm sent them out in the subzero temperatures wearing summer clothing. I'm sorry, but this is a 'duh' moment. If people are dumb enough to wear a mini skirt in -11F temperatures, then they deserve to get frostbite. It's called natural selection.
But, intelligent reader, how exactly does one go about selecting their thermal clothing in any given weather?
Simple! You follow my easy steps for dressing for success.
1.) Look at the thermometer.
2.) Shake the thermometer until it displays the correct temperature.
3.) Consult the chart:
30F & above
Don't wear anything. Nothing clears parking spots faster than a naked person walking down the street, and we are running out of places to park our cars, what with all this snow.
20 to 29F
Tee shirt and shorts. Make sure your shorts match your Extra tuffs.
10 to 19F
Supplement your shirt and shorts with a long sleeve shirt and stockings. If people stare, tell them you're embracing the indie movement. That's what I do. Hum a little Tegan and Sara and talk about how much you liked Juno to drive your point home.
0 to 9F
Might want to switch to long pants... Carharts perhaps? I hear they drive the men nuts. Or the women, if you're cool and down with that sort of thing. A pair of knit mittens is recommended.
-1 to -10
Now would be a good time to take down that jacket. Nothing too extravagant... Just a windbreaker. Change your socks to wool and wear a scarf.
-11 to -20
Getting a little nippy. If you have one of those fancy schmancy Columbia jackets, no one will think less of you for wearing it. However, if you really want to fit in, you'll buy a hawaiian shirt four sizes too big and wear it over your coat. Everyone's doing it.
-21 to -30
Stay indoors. Tell your boss/professor/friends that there is a bear outside with an AK47 and if you try to breech the perimeter it will shoot you. Even if you get past it, there's a moose next to your car with an Uzi. They'll understand.
-31 to -40
Move to Hawai'i.
Wasn't that easy? With my three simple steps, you can prevent both frostbite and having a place in the wall of shame that is the Juneau Empire!
Severe Weather Alert from hell:
A STRONG WINTER STORM IS EXPECTED TO MOVE NORTHEAST INTO THE EASTERN GULF EARLY SATURDAY. THIS STORM WILL LIKELY TO BRING POSSIBLE HEAVY SNOWFALL... ESPECIALLY OVER THE SOUTHERN AND CENTRAL PANHANDLE SATURDAY AND SATURDAY NIGHT. STRONG NORTH TO NORTHEAST WINDS COMBINED WITH BITTER COLD TEMPERATURES MAY PRODUCE WIND CHILLS OF 30 BELOW OR COLDER OVER THE FAR NORTHERN PANHANDLE. TAKU WINDS WILL ALSO LIKELY TO DEVELOP LATE FRIDAY NIGHT AND CONTINUING INTO SATURDAY IN THE DOWNTOWN JUNEAU AND DOUGLAS AREAS.
It's -8F outside with wind chill- for Fairbanksers, that's balmy. But down here in "Alaska's Banana Belt", people die in this sort of weather. The high school in Eagle River is in hot water right now (figuratively) because miss-dressed teenagers got frostbite after a fire alarm sent them out in the subzero temperatures wearing summer clothing. I'm sorry, but this is a 'duh' moment. If people are dumb enough to wear a mini skirt in -11F temperatures, then they deserve to get frostbite. It's called natural selection.
But, intelligent reader, how exactly does one go about selecting their thermal clothing in any given weather?
Simple! You follow my easy steps for dressing for success.
1.) Look at the thermometer.
2.) Shake the thermometer until it displays the correct temperature.
3.) Consult the chart:
30F & above
Don't wear anything. Nothing clears parking spots faster than a naked person walking down the street, and we are running out of places to park our cars, what with all this snow.
20 to 29F
Tee shirt and shorts. Make sure your shorts match your Extra tuffs.
10 to 19F
Supplement your shirt and shorts with a long sleeve shirt and stockings. If people stare, tell them you're embracing the indie movement. That's what I do. Hum a little Tegan and Sara and talk about how much you liked Juno to drive your point home.
0 to 9F
Might want to switch to long pants... Carharts perhaps? I hear they drive the men nuts. Or the women, if you're cool and down with that sort of thing. A pair of knit mittens is recommended.
-1 to -10
Now would be a good time to take down that jacket. Nothing too extravagant... Just a windbreaker. Change your socks to wool and wear a scarf.
-11 to -20
Getting a little nippy. If you have one of those fancy schmancy Columbia jackets, no one will think less of you for wearing it. However, if you really want to fit in, you'll buy a hawaiian shirt four sizes too big and wear it over your coat. Everyone's doing it.
-21 to -30
Stay indoors. Tell your boss/professor/friends that there is a bear outside with an AK47 and if you try to breech the perimeter it will shoot you. Even if you get past it, there's a moose next to your car with an Uzi. They'll understand.
-31 to -40
Move to Hawai'i.
Wasn't that easy? With my three simple steps, you can prevent both frostbite and having a place in the wall of shame that is the Juneau Empire!
Severe Weather Alert from hell:
A STRONG WINTER STORM IS EXPECTED TO MOVE NORTHEAST INTO THE EASTERN GULF EARLY SATURDAY. THIS STORM WILL LIKELY TO BRING POSSIBLE HEAVY SNOWFALL... ESPECIALLY OVER THE SOUTHERN AND CENTRAL PANHANDLE SATURDAY AND SATURDAY NIGHT. STRONG NORTH TO NORTHEAST WINDS COMBINED WITH BITTER COLD TEMPERATURES MAY PRODUCE WIND CHILLS OF 30 BELOW OR COLDER OVER THE FAR NORTHERN PANHANDLE. TAKU WINDS WILL ALSO LIKELY TO DEVELOP LATE FRIDAY NIGHT AND CONTINUING INTO SATURDAY IN THE DOWNTOWN JUNEAU AND DOUGLAS AREAS.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Vehicular Homicide and Why We Should be Exempt
February is always such a fascinating month. The day slowly grows longer and the snow drifts higher. Everyone who was too busy to buy all-season tires finally realizes that it's now or never, and the temperature bounces up and down like a ping pong ball while we spend far too much money on candy and stuffed bears proudly made in China.
But of course, the most distinctive symbol of winter is unquestionably the legislators. Session starts in January, so one might expect that by now even the newly elected would have some idea of how to get around town. But they don't. No, they pour out of the capital building every noon and fill the streets like the tourists that will eventually arrive in their stead and procede to mill about in a fashion normally associated with sheep. These legislators think of one thing and one thing only: what they will be having for lunch. Consequentially, they seem to have no qualms about standing in the streets trying to decide between El Sombrero and Subway while traffic quickly piles up behind them. I almost hit one today, and I'm fairly certain that if I had I would have been charged with homicide; seeing as how people on the street could hear my passenger shouting "Hit 'em, hit 'em". In that way, driving in Juneau is like playing a video game... a video game where the roads are all one way, never plowed, and swarming with law makers that probably bought their degree at Walmart during a two-for-one sale.
But back to the matter at hand. Luckily, I drive a new car with fairly good brakes, and Senator whashisname from Wasilla escaped with his life. I'd bet money he didn't even notice me.
Of course, I had bigger fish to fry in the vehicular homicide game: namely our fair governor Miss Beauty Queen Palin, whom I spied stalking down a side street in a bright red down jacket with fur ruff, a scowl that would have made Bob Hope cry on her face. She was probably headed to some back alley to make deals with an oil company, although the frown may have been simply because she spends her days locked in the capital with the legislative idiots. Seeing as I really don't have it in me, and she may have been up to something highly illegal that would increase the amount of my Permanent Fund check, I declined to run her down today. I'm fairly certain that an act such as that would diminish Juneau's reputation for hospitality, increase the chance of a Capital move, and most likely land me in Lemon Creek pen for a very long time.
In other news, Obama and Romney are Alaska's choice for presidential candidates. Obama was not surprising, but I must say Romney took me by surprise. I was expecting McCain to the the candidate of choice for Alaska- statistically the least religious state in the Union. Perhaps there was a ballot miscount. I don't suppose we'll ever know.
Weather
10F, 5F with Wind Chill
Windy with Snow Flurries
High Wind Advisory
But of course, the most distinctive symbol of winter is unquestionably the legislators. Session starts in January, so one might expect that by now even the newly elected would have some idea of how to get around town. But they don't. No, they pour out of the capital building every noon and fill the streets like the tourists that will eventually arrive in their stead and procede to mill about in a fashion normally associated with sheep. These legislators think of one thing and one thing only: what they will be having for lunch. Consequentially, they seem to have no qualms about standing in the streets trying to decide between El Sombrero and Subway while traffic quickly piles up behind them. I almost hit one today, and I'm fairly certain that if I had I would have been charged with homicide; seeing as how people on the street could hear my passenger shouting "Hit 'em, hit 'em". In that way, driving in Juneau is like playing a video game... a video game where the roads are all one way, never plowed, and swarming with law makers that probably bought their degree at Walmart during a two-for-one sale.
But back to the matter at hand. Luckily, I drive a new car with fairly good brakes, and Senator whashisname from Wasilla escaped with his life. I'd bet money he didn't even notice me.
Of course, I had bigger fish to fry in the vehicular homicide game: namely our fair governor Miss Beauty Queen Palin, whom I spied stalking down a side street in a bright red down jacket with fur ruff, a scowl that would have made Bob Hope cry on her face. She was probably headed to some back alley to make deals with an oil company, although the frown may have been simply because she spends her days locked in the capital with the legislative idiots. Seeing as I really don't have it in me, and she may have been up to something highly illegal that would increase the amount of my Permanent Fund check, I declined to run her down today. I'm fairly certain that an act such as that would diminish Juneau's reputation for hospitality, increase the chance of a Capital move, and most likely land me in Lemon Creek pen for a very long time.
In other news, Obama and Romney are Alaska's choice for presidential candidates. Obama was not surprising, but I must say Romney took me by surprise. I was expecting McCain to the the candidate of choice for Alaska- statistically the least religious state in the Union. Perhaps there was a ballot miscount. I don't suppose we'll ever know.
Weather
10F, 5F with Wind Chill
Windy with Snow Flurries
High Wind Advisory
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