...When success is defined as not getting frostbitten.
It's -8F outside with wind chill- for Fairbanksers, that's balmy. But down here in "Alaska's Banana Belt", people die in this sort of weather. The high school in Eagle River is in hot water right now (figuratively) because miss-dressed teenagers got frostbite after a fire alarm sent them out in the subzero temperatures wearing summer clothing. I'm sorry, but this is a 'duh' moment. If people are dumb enough to wear a mini skirt in -11F temperatures, then they deserve to get frostbite. It's called natural selection.
But, intelligent reader, how exactly does one go about selecting their thermal clothing in any given weather?
Simple! You follow my easy steps for dressing for success.
1.) Look at the thermometer.
2.) Shake the thermometer until it displays the correct temperature.
3.) Consult the chart:
30F & above
Don't wear anything. Nothing clears parking spots faster than a naked person walking down the street, and we are running out of places to park our cars, what with all this snow.
20 to 29F
Tee shirt and shorts. Make sure your shorts match your Extra tuffs.
10 to 19F
Supplement your shirt and shorts with a long sleeve shirt and stockings. If people stare, tell them you're embracing the indie movement. That's what I do. Hum a little Tegan and Sara and talk about how much you liked Juno to drive your point home.
0 to 9F
Might want to switch to long pants... Carharts perhaps? I hear they drive the men nuts. Or the women, if you're cool and down with that sort of thing. A pair of knit mittens is recommended.
-1 to -10
Now would be a good time to take down that jacket. Nothing too extravagant... Just a windbreaker. Change your socks to wool and wear a scarf.
-11 to -20
Getting a little nippy. If you have one of those fancy schmancy Columbia jackets, no one will think less of you for wearing it. However, if you really want to fit in, you'll buy a hawaiian shirt four sizes too big and wear it over your coat. Everyone's doing it.
-21 to -30
Stay indoors. Tell your boss/professor/friends that there is a bear outside with an AK47 and if you try to breech the perimeter it will shoot you. Even if you get past it, there's a moose next to your car with an Uzi. They'll understand.
-31 to -40
Move to Hawai'i.
Wasn't that easy? With my three simple steps, you can prevent both frostbite and having a place in the wall of shame that is the Juneau Empire!
Severe Weather Alert from hell:
A STRONG WINTER STORM IS EXPECTED TO MOVE NORTHEAST INTO THE EASTERN GULF EARLY SATURDAY. THIS STORM WILL LIKELY TO BRING POSSIBLE HEAVY SNOWFALL... ESPECIALLY OVER THE SOUTHERN AND CENTRAL PANHANDLE SATURDAY AND SATURDAY NIGHT. STRONG NORTH TO NORTHEAST WINDS COMBINED WITH BITTER COLD TEMPERATURES MAY PRODUCE WIND CHILLS OF 30 BELOW OR COLDER OVER THE FAR NORTHERN PANHANDLE. TAKU WINDS WILL ALSO LIKELY TO DEVELOP LATE FRIDAY NIGHT AND CONTINUING INTO SATURDAY IN THE DOWNTOWN JUNEAU AND DOUGLAS AREAS.