Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Vehicular Homicide and Why We Should be Exempt

February is always such a fascinating month. The day slowly grows longer and the snow drifts higher. Everyone who was too busy to buy all-season tires finally realizes that it's now or never, and the temperature bounces up and down like a ping pong ball while we spend far too much money on candy and stuffed bears proudly made in China.
But of course, the most distinctive symbol of winter is unquestionably the legislators. Session starts in January, so one might expect that by now even the newly elected would have some idea of how to get around town. But they don't. No, they pour out of the capital building every noon and fill the streets like the tourists that will eventually arrive in their stead and procede to mill about in a fashion normally associated with sheep. These legislators think of one thing and one thing only: what they will be having for lunch. Consequentially, they seem to have no qualms about standing in the streets trying to decide between El Sombrero and Subway while traffic quickly piles up behind them. I almost hit one today, and I'm fairly certain that if I had I would have been charged with homicide; seeing as how people on the street could hear my passenger shouting "Hit 'em, hit 'em". In that way, driving in Juneau is like playing a video game... a video game where the roads are all one way, never plowed, and swarming with law makers that probably bought their degree at Walmart during a two-for-one sale.
But back to the matter at hand. Luckily, I drive a new car with fairly good brakes, and Senator whashisname from Wasilla escaped with his life. I'd bet money he didn't even notice me.
Of course, I had bigger fish to fry in the vehicular homicide game: namely our fair governor Miss Beauty Queen Palin, whom I spied stalking down a side street in a bright red down jacket with fur ruff, a scowl that would have made Bob Hope cry on her face. She was probably headed to some back alley to make deals with an oil company, although the frown may have been simply because she spends her days locked in the capital with the legislative idiots. Seeing as I really don't have it in me, and she may have been up to something highly illegal that would increase the amount of my Permanent Fund check, I declined to run her down today. I'm fairly certain that an act such as that would diminish Juneau's reputation for hospitality, increase the chance of a Capital move, and most likely land me in Lemon Creek pen for a very long time.
In other news, Obama and Romney are Alaska's choice for presidential candidates. Obama was not surprising, but I must say Romney took me by surprise. I was expecting McCain to the the candidate of choice for Alaska- statistically the least religious state in the Union. Perhaps there was a ballot miscount. I don't suppose we'll ever know.

10F, 5F with Wind Chill
Windy with Snow Flurries
High Wind Advisory